Hurricane

When one look pulls
my heart up
through my throat
opening that deepest
well inside of me
I don't want to be
vulnerable
not in front of you
not when you call me a
force to be reckoned with.
Hurricanes are not weak.

On Depression

Black and thick like pitch
Oozing pouring into me
Restless nagging itch
Darkness filling all I see
Permeate my soul
Apathy will follow pain
I am never whole
Bring the hammer down again
Break away my shield
Sweep away my great facade
Porcelain always yields
(When) Iron Darkness rules as god. 


(Written a few months ago - I could have sworn I had posted this already but I guess I didn't. I like the rhythm of the lines though.)

Mania

This heaviness
Pounding in my blood like
drums of war
beating down into my
heart
Pressure building
higher
higher
sorrow squalling in my
chest
Until it's loosed I cannot
stop
It's screaming through my
blood and bones
Slamming out against my
skull
My body's shaking in
God knows what?
Won't dying be a rush?

Bring It On

I am a force to be reckoned with
There's a fire in my belly that
turns their knees to jelly
because, oh hell, she's set on her
course with no remorse.
Don't stand in my way, I've got to move fast
dropping my past and forging into a new day.
Don't hold me with your labels
Words strung like cables
trying to corner me, don't you dare order me
There's a disorder in my soul
a chaos I revel in
but I'll meet you on a level-playing field
Just give me a fighting chance
and not just a passing once-over glance
and you'll see I'm not a liar
I'm alight with desire
and ready to fill this whole fucking world with my fire.

Save My Soul

My religion is a ritual
Just you and I in
Cassock and habit
Sanctified and sacred in the eyes of God.
The words of your prayer resonate in my mouth
My rosary slipping through your nimble fingers
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned
It has been three days since my last confession.
Hail Mary Mother of God, God
god - Jesus,
Fuck!
Oh God!
My soul has been cleansed in the eyes of the Father.
Amen.

Shadow Self

Sometimes
That black shadow of despair
That woman, black as pitch
And frightful as glaring blood
Sticking her needle fingers into my
BRAIN
Gods save me
how?
When it is myself

Beating Heart

Teeth bared
Eyes shut
Fists strike
Hot flesh
Throat raw
Breath short
Blood sprays
Death takes

Self

Long has been the making of my heart
And longer still the birthing of my soul.
When, as a child, I thought I knew my part
I knew not yet my being was not whole.
As malleable as thread upon the wind,
I strove to please the ones I thought knew best
While smothering that little dark-eyed fiend
The only part of me who could protest
The systematic sealing off of all
The better parts of me I could bring forth.
And so it came to be as I grew tall
And curious that I found my narrow course,
Uncovering the thing I long desired
To be yet lacked the confidence to find
Within myself, albeit she required
The little dark-eyed fiend that I did bind,
Who welcomes me with open arms and eyes
The truest part of me that there could be
The innocence, now tempered well with wise
Words, the girl who's not ashamed of me.

Onwards

Across the sands and swells of time,
I wander with this heart of mine.
Along this path I walk alone
My lonely heart has not a home.
Defiant, free, my will strides tall
My soul lamenting of its fall
My spirit, beaten down, yet bright
Cheers them on with guiding light.
My path, unset beneath my feet,
Is singing out a steady beat
That begs my heart to soldier on,
"We cannot be alone for long.
There must be others like us here."
And so, with hope, I swallow fear
And urge my weary feet to move
For love, I know, has more to prove.

The Way It Is

The way of life is to drag me down
To stab me, bury me, watch me drown,
The pressure weighing heavily
Till I can hardly stand to breathe.
I'm buried so I cannot stand
With no one there to grasp my hand
And pull me from the murky depths
Of earth and blood and unquiet rest.
Buried in wraiths and shadows thick
My past and pain to my heart stick
The beating of my blood is faint
And weak, like prayers of a dead saint.
Don't call yourself a friend if you
Won't have my back when I ask you to.
Leave me be, just let me go
You've hurt me more than you will know. 


(Written Jan 3, 2012) 

Sonnet Form IV - Ocean Lament

Great Poseidon! Call in thy tides
Draw me deep down to thy side.
Let the peace of ocean floor
Wash over me forevermore.
Banish deep my sorrow in thee,
Drown it in thy vast blue sea.
O great waves! Batter the shores
Play out my rage like ne'er before
Grant me release, so sweet and sharp,
To match the breaking of my heart.
Poseidon! Open wide thy bower
Grant me refuge in thy power.
And broken, lost, yet free I be
In the bosom of the sea.

Internal Darkness

Stinging salt water fills my mouth and nose. I cough, the wet, hacking cough of someone who has swallowed too much sea water. Water sloshes around my face and I feel something gritty pressing into the side of my face. I open my eyes, squinting at the light glaring down, to see sand and frothy sea foam just inches from my face.

Shakily, I push myself into a sitting position on the beach and take in my surroundings. Ocean that I remember as black and thick as tar washes up on the beach in gurgling blue-green waves, lapping at my bare feet. The sand is as bright and clear as diamonds and shines in the hot midday sun. Dazed, I look down at myself, half expecting my skin to be shining with color. But it is not so. My skin is still grey and dull, my hair black and limp. The rags wrapped around me are woven from internal Darkness, sucking the very color and light from the world around me.

A soft noise brings me whirling around in a panic. I stare, bewildered, at the procession of people crossing the beach a few yards off. They are all dressed in yellow and flame, and they carry strange instruments on which they played sweet, laughing music. They dance as they go, reveling in their life and beauty and light. I crouch down, watching the music swirl in bright colors from the instruments.

One of them notices me and points, saying something to one of his companions. They gather curiously around me, chattering like magpies. One points to my colorless skin and speaks, strumming a note on his instrument. Colored light rises and floats merrily about my head. The others cry out in delight and form a circle around me, singing and dancing and setting the air a-whirl with color.

At first the colors land and stick to me, and I nearly weep in relief. But they quickly fade, sucked away by the internal Darkness that shrouds me. They sing and dance with more enthusiasm and the colors fly, only to be sucked away even quicker. And then their song begins to falter, descending into mere noise. Their feet trip and trod upon each other, landing them sitting in the sand.

They cease playing and rise to their feet, defeat etched on their faces. They tuck their instruments under their arms and slowly wander off, one by one. The one who first noticed me solemnly drapes a flame-colored scarf around my shoulders and wanders off with the rest into the growing Darkness. I watch them go with the Darkness weighing even more heavily on me. I look down at the scarf hopefully. It is stone grey. I look out to the waves. They are as black and thick as pitch.

And I weep.

Dark Side Speaking

Now lets go do everything we shouldn't.
Pull all the plugs and let the breath go.
Let's run it all out and tear it all down.
And bring to the light the things you should know.
Be careful around her
I told you she's crazy
Keep a close watch on her
Keep her nearby
If she snaps
You'll know
You'll notice she's wrong
And she'd never hurt you
Only drag you along
There's innocence there
An eager desire
To fix everything
With blood and with fire.
You won't be harmed
Just along for the ride
Just don't try to stop her
And you'll be on her side
She loves you, she does
But she's still fucking crazy
And what might scare you
Doesn't even phase me.
Good luck, goodnight,
I bid you adieu,
Can you honestly say
That there's nothing wrong with you?

True Reflection

A woman so low, so cold, so Awful
A woman who knows how to get what she wants
A woman who kills without thinking its unlawful
A woman who is losing the mind that she flaunts
Black is her soul, her mind, her wisdom
A mage who is not so afraid of black arts
Needing to pin everyone under her thumb
And making them dance like puppets at the whim of her heart.

Fatality

Too close?
Just a little closer
The water at the bottom of the cliff
beckons
Loose gravel shifts under already
unsteady feet
Shoes slip on empty space
arms wave as if their
frantic flapping
will turn them into wings
No miracle occurs and gravity snatches
drawing you to the water far below
For one brief moment
face down
arms spread wide
mouth gaping in a panicked silent scream
laughter erupts from your throat
elation at the sensation of weightlessness
a swift fatal moment of flight.